Bale on Bail

July 23, 2008 – 1:12 pm

Celebrity method actor and Batman star Christian Bale has been bailed by police following his arrest over allegations he assaulted his mother and sister. The Welsh born actor denies the allegations, which supposedly took place in a suite at London’s Dorchester Hotel on Sunday.

Bale was in London to promote the latest instalment of the Batman franchise ‘The Dark Knight’. I am looking forward to seeing this as I thoroughly enjoyed ‘Batman Begins’, a film that raised the bar on superhero movies. I will be paying a visit to the Genesis Cinema on Mile End Road to see it next week.

Bale is a strange man and takes his method to extremes. Anyone who has seen ‘The Machinist’ can see to what extent he takes his transformation in the name of acting. In Spielberg’s ‘Empire of the Sun’ he even makes himself look like a little boy – quite amazing.

I like Bale, not only do I think he is a very good actor I also think he is totally bonkers, a positive trait in any celebrity. In interviews, and even in person, Bale will change his voice, accent and persona, to ascertain that he remains in character.

There is little of the real Bale on show and I believe this may be the reason for his recent arrest. Bale has been filming the latest part to the Terminator franchise. In ‘Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins’ Bale plays the 2018 incarnation of John Connor, the man fated to lead the human resistance against Skynet and its army of Terminators.

Bale’s alleged recent family ruckus was just a symptom of his method. His actor’s brain led him to believe his mother and sister to be Terminators from the future, sent to destroy the saviour of humanity and annihilate mankind. Fair enough if you ask me, I think the same thing when I visit my family. Bloody Terminators, they get flipping everywhere.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Family, Film, London | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (1)

Four Koffs

July 22, 2008 – 12:54 pm

One of the most popular beers in Finland goes by the name of Koff. This is not my favourite Finnish beer – that will be Lapin Kulta. In English this translates as Lapp Gold because it is brewed in the Lapland town of Tornio. Lapin Kulta is actually my favourite beer . . . ever.

When in bars in various cities, towns and villages around the beautiful forest and lake covered country of Finland, such as Helsinki, Turku or Tampere, I will forsake the wonderful crispness of Lapin Kulta and opt for a Koff. Why? Two simple reasons:

1. I can walk into a bar and order four Koffs.
2. I can walk into a bar and order half a Koff.

Can you see what I have done there? It is true that the non-English speaking bar staff will look at me like I am totally crazy as I laugh myself into a coma, but hey, maybe I am. I do not care what anyone thinks when I am surrounded by four Koffs.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Culture, Drinking | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments (1)

The Fall

July 21, 2008 – 12:28 pm

For a while I lived ten stories up in a penthouse flat on Kingsland Road in Shoreditch. Being on the top floor I was able to crawl out of the window, shuffle along a tiny ledge and then climb up a small ladder. Positioning myself on the roof I had an amazing view of central London. This was also a great venue for drunken parties on lovely sunny evenings.

However, the tiny ledge was uncommonly precarious. On one side was the window of the flat and on the other a sheer drop. This precipice was avoided by negotiating a bird poo covered ledge that was only a few inches wide. I spent a lot of time walking along this whilst being drunk out of my mind and I am exceptionally relieved nothing bad ever happened. (I never negotiated the ledge in heels – now that would have been really silly.)

Last night I was on this ledge, poking my head over the edge of the building to the busy street below. I was really rather drunk. Whilst making my way to the small ladder I slipped on some gravel and lost my footing. I took a sharp intake of breath as I tried to grab the window frame. I missed and fell backwards. I left the building over the side, scrabbling for a handhold that was not there.

I fell quickly, I could see the side of the building flashing by and my clothes billowed in the wind. I was aware of the concrete floor rushing towards me. I felt strangely calm. I hit the road with a loud crack, feeling the blinding impact on my skull. There was a whiteout.

I awoke in bed, sweating and attempting to scream. I had bit my lip. As I became conscious I noticed that my nose was running. My hand was covered in blood as I pulled it away. I had a rather severe nose bleed and needed to stem the flow before my bed became covered in blood.

I stumbled towards the bathroom in the dark. As I groped for a light switch that was not there I wondered if this was in fact the dream and I was really lying, broken and twisted, in the middle of the road. I banged my toe and swore loudly.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Drinking, London, Worry | Tagged , , , , | Comments (3)

Cro-Magnon with a Magnum

July 18, 2008 – 11:48 am

I was rather upset to discover that my good buddy Busby is moving to New York. He will be on a six month placement as a games designer for a popular entertainment software company. He is rather nervous about this geographical displacement. Busby has never visited the States before and he is under the impression that North America is a war zone, full of guns and psychopaths.

“I’m scared Nelson, but I am preparing for any possible trouble,” he told me on the telephone, his voice shaking slightly. He explained how he had started an intense program of toughening himself up. He has been in the gym regularly for the past few months, pumping iron and using the treadmills and cycling contraptions.

He emailed me a picture of his new pumped-up self. He was wearing tiny denim shorts and a cropped Gold’s Gym top, which had no arms. His muscles hypertrophied until he bulged like a sackful of cats. Busby had become a super powerful muscle-bound clown.

I told him he would be able to crush any attackers with his fists alone but this did not placate him. “I have a secret to tell you Nelson, I have bought a gun,” he admitted conspiratorially. I was shocked. I could not imagine this mulleted, happy-go-lucky guy of low intelligence carrying a gun.

He emailed me another picture and upon opening it I was greeted by the image of an enormous Magnum manufactured firearm, its phallic barrel protruding out of the monitor to an impossible length.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” Busby was breathing heavily down the line. I sensed he had become aroused and that his palms were sweaty, desire was palpable in his voice. “I’m picking her up from a store in Brooklyn. No one will mess with me with this sexy baby in my pocket. I will be the King of New York. All will kneel before me.”

“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?”
“It’s a gun Nelson, a very very big gun.”

On the Nelson hi-fi today:
Serge Gainsbourg – “Du Jazz Dans Le Ravin”

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Culture, Friends, Worry | Tagged , , , , , , | Comments (4)

Stench

July 17, 2008 – 12:42 pm

Stuart Adamson frontman and songwriter for Scottish guitar band Big Country summed it up best in the song ‘Porrohman’:

“But many went before us, and still the cries are clear,
There is no beauty here, just the stench of wine and beer.”

You’re not wrong Stu.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Drinking, Loneliness, Music | Tagged , , | Comments (0)

Big Decision

July 16, 2008 – 12:35 pm

I am on the brink of making a very big decision that will change my entire life. No, I am not planning on getting a sex change or a face transplant, although some would say I need one. I may be moving out of London to live in the East Midlands. This would put me closer to my family, who I miss dearly.

I have not made my mind up as yet and I must admit I really do not know what to do. I have just had enough of being alone and desperately need to get out of my job. The answer could be to move nearer to people who love me.

However, I am not sure if I could stand to leave London, I have lived here for so long I consider it my home. It is the potential of what may happen that I like, oh and all the pretty girls. I would also have to put a hold on my cross dressing, there is just nowhere to go out in Nottinghamshire.

I just do not know what to do.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Family, London, Loneliness, Transvestism | Tagged , , | Comments (4)

A Brush with Hate

July 15, 2008 – 12:45 pm

Walking down Whitechapel High Street recently I saw an unusual altercation outside the Citroen dealership, the one next to the East London Mosque. There was an incident involving a woman and a street cleaner, a career position now referred to as a ‘Visual Urban Hygiene Technician’. The man with the brush was a filthy looking individual, he had a totally shaved head except for a bunch of dirt caked dreadlocks at the back of his skull.

The woman who was stood next to him was obese and wore a bulging tie-died dress with the words “Death to Everyone” emblazoned across her chest. She was holding a can of White Lightening, I assumed this was not the first she had imbibed that day. Her face was caked in mud and the smell or urine emanated from her very soul.

The woman was shouting loudly at the man as he attempted to sweep the street, incessantly repeating the phrase, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.” The cleaner continued his monotonous sweeping of the broken beer bottles and used condoms, not saying a word or expressing any emotion. The woman continued to shout her hatred.

A small crowd of homeless drunks began to form, attracted by the possibility of violence. The inebriated woman lunged for one of the brushes lying across the mobile dustbin, grabbed it and proceeded to batter the cleaner, repeatedly shouting, “I hate you.”

A cheer erupted from the crowd as the cleaner was beaten to the floor, a trickle of blood emitting from a cut on his face. A few intrepid and inebriated members of the crowd joined in the beating, their gang mentality defeating any sense of right or wrong.

As the man lay bleeding on the pavement the crowd took the initiative to steal all of his brushes and mobile dustbin, obviously hoping to have some fun later in the evening. The woman shouted one last time and left to enjoy her cheap cider in the park. I went over to the cleaner to check if he needed help. He said three words to me before I left him there outside the car showroom.

He said, “I hate you.” I think he meant it.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Drinking, Idiots, London | Tagged , , , , | Comments (2)

Supermarket Wisdom

July 14, 2008 – 12:27 pm

Is it not amazing the words of wisdom one can hear in a supermarket? At the weekend I was doing my weekly shop at Sainsbury’s in Whitechapel, choosing my fruit and alcohol for the week – what else can you possibly need?

I noticed a rather gnarly chipper old fellow intensely examining the store’s bananas. He was wearing a very dapper tweed suit, accessorised by a cravat and hunting hat.

As I picked out my oranges this fellow slowly leaned over towards me, a large under ripe green banana gripped firmly in his right hand like a weapon. He whispered conspiratorially in my ear, his breath smelt of pipe smoke and brandy.

This is what he said: “Without heart a man is meaningless.”

With that he shuffled off to the cheese counter and I made my way to the wine alley.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Drinking, London | Tagged , , , , | Comments (4)

Swearing at Scouts

July 11, 2008 – 12:33 pm

A few years ago my band played a gig near Nottingham. At the time we were called The Johnsons and we were playing in the palatial environs of Woolaton Park. It was a lovely balmy summer’s day in August. We were honoured to have a guest appearance from Enormous frontman Davy Lawrence on drum, that’s right - drum, he literally banged a drum.

I was a little nervous before going on stage and putting make up on in the back off a trannie van is rather unpleasant. As I walked on stage in all my finery I shouted and squealed and pranced my way through a set that included some songs which will be on the upcoming Nelson Galaxy and Donovans of Trash album Idiot Fever (out soon on Big Arena Records), such as Two Minutes and Breakdown.

As I became aware of my surroundings I noticed that the cordoned off enclosed audience area was situated far away in the distance. I could barely see any of our fans and certainly could not hear their whoops of enjoyment. Tiny figures in the distance were moving around but were they enjoying themselves? Did they really want to watch a punk pop band fronted by a transvestite? Of course they did.

In the expansive void between stage and audience were positioned a large number of trampolines. We started playing the rather brilliant song Stupid World when a team of scouts appeared from nowhere and began synchronised jumping in time to the music. Quite a sight – they were bounding from one bouncy place to the next, doing a kind of robotic dance called the Robo-boogie and never touching the ground.

However, my punk aesthetic found jumping scouts an incorrect accompaniment to my music. Bizarre yes, but oh so very wrong.

The rock n roll gene in my brain told me to do the unthinkable. I swore . . . at children . . . jumping laughing children. The tiny scouts in toggles and shorts suddenly stopped. Their little cherub faces turned toward the stage, a look of bewilderment and shock in their eyes. Some of them began to cry.

The PA system was immediately switched off and a large uncouth lighting man called Sparky asked us to leave the stage. I hung my head as I left the stage, ashamed at my own rudeness and immaturity. My fellow band members shook their heads in embarrassment.

Walking down the stage steps I removed my wig and caught a glimpse of myself in a car window. I looked like a pathetic man in a dress. A dress wearing man who swears at children. Oh the shame.

Nelson Galaxy will rise from the ashes of this debacle and promises not to swear at scouts. Can I still swear at beggars? Oh, and ignorant idiots? Racists, sexists and homophobes? How about Red Hot Chilli Peppers fans? Under certain circumstances maybe swearing does have its place. But not at scouts.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Music, Napoleon Fantastic, Transvestism | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (4)

High Heel Hells

July 10, 2008 – 11:33 am

Recently a woman successfully sued a footwear manufacturer for damages. She was wearing her new pair of high glamour shoes and the heel snapped off. This led to her losing her balance and breaking her ankle. The brake was so severe she needed surgery and metal pins were placed in her bones, ruining a budding sporting career. The shoe manufacturer admitted negligence claiming that the line of shoes were faulty.

As you may or may not know, I am myself a wearer of the high heels. One thing that I do worry about whilst out prancing about is the snapping of the heel. I go for a very high heel and the distance to fall is rather large and could lead to injury. I have spent a lot of time in A&E over the years but not in drag – now that would be unpleasant with the drunks and nutters.

What would one do if the heel did snap? Hobble about that’s what, and frankly look ridiculous. A lot of the larger size tranny shoes are highly priced and very shoddily made. This can lead to unstable mincing. The very bottoms of the heels are made out of cheap plastic and wear down rapidly and the heel bends threateningly. I often feel like an elephant stood on a pin.

I want to sue shoe manufacturers for sexual discrimination. Their sizes are too gender specific. Any normal ladies shoe maker will only go up to size 8, while I need a size 11, so what good is this to me? This means that I have to buy from specialist retailers, often overpriced and badly made. They also tend to be fetish shoes so they are only available with ridiculously high heels and in cheap looking pvc.

All I really really want are a decent and fashionable pair of high heels. Is this too much for a man to ask for?

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Transvestism, Worry | Tagged , , , , | Comments (0)